brightwalldarkroom:

PUT ON YOUR THUNDERWEAR, IT’S TIME TO GET FURIOUS!

by Chris Cantoni

Reviewing Fast Five requires one to develop previously non-existent words and then introduce them into the English language. How else would one describe “the best movie at being incredible” than by calling it incredibest? After the picture you won’t be dumbfounded by how exciting it all was, you will be dumbexed, a close cousin of flummoxed, but with much more intensity. But perhaps the best way to describe Fast Five would be to try and wrap up in one term all that was represented within. That word would have to be the glorification of all things male, or as I like to call it, mantriotism.

Yes, Fast Five is about manliness, testosterone, and deep voices. Had Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, and The Rock been replaced with CGI penises, no one would have noticed. That is how male this movie is. This doesn’t mean the movie is chauvinist or sexist, not at all. In fact I only counted one gratuitous and objectifying shot of women’s asses, which, in the history of the series, is certainly a kind of progress….

Baby, that’s not true, you know I don’t think of you as a babymaking plot device.

Not since the epic meeting between Robert de Niro and Al Pacino in Heat has a movie match up meant so much! From watching the film, it appears Diesel and Rock had a steroid-off in honor of the occasion - each roughly the size of six oak barrels - and the Rock handedly won by applying a seemingly endless sheen of baby oil all over his hulking frame.

For his part, Diesel settles for slurriest deliverer-of-lines in cinema history. I’m actually convinced that Vin Diesel has a wind up key in his back and, if asked to say lines longer than 6 words, he will inevitably run out of juice, the remaining words coming out as if from a drunken de-powering robot. Oddly enough, he enunciated better in The Iron Giant, in which he played an actual robot….

The complete and utter devastation of Rio is pretty much a sidenote and if anybody pours one out over all the lost souls, it certainly isn’t our heroes….

Why you always tricking me into looking at your girl’s ultrasound, Paul Walker?

It’s hard to pick my favorite lines from this review (especially since I had to skim at least two paragraphs due to their BLATANT PLOT SPOILING and some of our SINCERE DESIRE TO STILL SEE THIS LATEST INSTALLMENT IN THE FURIOUS FRANCHISE) but here is a small collection of brilliance. Also, don’t google CGI penis if you’re not completely sure you know what that is. None of the results do much to explain it and some of the photos are pretty troubling. You’re welcome.